yellow.

Oh my babyblog.

2011-09-25T00:52:00.001-07:00

How I will always love you so. But it is time to move on. You've gotten so big, so fast.

Swag all night.

2011-09-05T19:44:00.001-07:00

Me and Tim are gonna look like such pimps on Saturday night. His idea for our corsage/boutennaire is dope. We make such a good team.

2011-09-04T22:04:00.000-07:00

tumblr

When I can't even trust you to tell me the truth.

2011-09-04T20:26:00.000-07:00

I seriously hate you right now. Like, go to hell. I have made excuse after excuse for my screw up brother long enough. I have always held his hand and said that he's the greatest. But he's just a liar. A big fat liar.

How many chances did I give you to tell me what happened? Too many. The fact that you think it's more important to cover your ass than to let me know when something bad happens to my pride and joy. I can't even believe you right now.

You hit my car, then tried to cover it up as if you had no idea what happened. As if someone had hit my car while I was parked and run away. I'm not a dip shit like you. Red paint from mom's car doesn't just magically find it's way onto the silver paint of mine where you just had to ruin every ounce of trust I ever had in you. Gone.

Don't even try and tell me that you didn't know. That's just insulting.

These worries are heavy.

2011-09-03T09:47:00.001-07:00

Three day weekend, I love you. Even though it is laden with homework assignments, boo. I have a million things to get done. I can do this.

Last night was fun but I need to take a break. I came home and died on the floor, didn't even make it to my bed. How pathetic.

I'm so excited for homecoming.

Why are you so quiet?

2011-09-01T16:41:00.001-07:00

That was just the question of the day. Everybody kept asking me, is something wrong?

No, nothing is wrong. Everything is just as it should be, and that's the problem. Today is just one of those days where I feel unhappy with everything.

Chest pains + tired AF

2011-08-31T22:46:00.000-07:00

My other half, Jen, wants me to abandon this child blog of mine and start anew on tumblr. And I'm actually kind of considering it. The second part. I will never leave this blog to waste, although it will probably come to an end after my high school days are over.

Thee chest feels like it's con caving. It hurts from coughing and Nick Franze. Please don't do this to me. You promised me, no more games. I know you promised that before everything else happened, but I think it still applies. Okey?

Overall, today was a negative 2.

Sitting on a dock.

2011-08-30T23:17:00.000-07:00

Blue sky overhead, rippling waves below my feet. My toes tingle against the kiss of the cool water and I'm peering into that deep blue, searching for something more. Skin soft with a touch of sweat from the sun's caress, and then suddenly I'm laying with my hands outstretched, waiting for it to hit me.

And it hits me, harder than a speeding train on a one-way track back home to Harlem. I don't want to go home, I don't want to be anywhere but here. By myself, on a beach, under the bright blue birdless sky; I am completely undisturbed in the serenity of my mind.

There is no waking up from this dream; it exists as a sort of room in my head, where I can open the door and run far, far away whenever need be. My mind has many rooms, each with a different purpose but all ultimately keeping me sane, on some level at least. Certain doors are easier to open than others. It's kind of hard to explain.

I have one door that keeps getting jammed; it's the one that allows me to sleep at night.

My bestfriend just called me out.

2011-08-30T18:23:00.001-07:00

It was much needed. There was nothing she could say that I didn't already know, but when someone cares that much to tell you like it is anyway, well then you're damn lucky.

I don't know whether this is a sore throat coming on, or just me choking back everything I was prepared to say, but didn't. What's the point of arguing with someone who's only arguing for you. I'm not going to defend it any more or say that it's harmless.

It hurts more than you know.

2011-08-29T23:09:00.001-07:00

Putting on a dress always makes me feel better.

"Hi anna:) how are you today?"

2011-08-29T22:54:00.000-07:00

That's how these conversations start out. So simple. But then suddenly they last for hours and I'm telling him my life story like, uh who is this kid and why does talking to him feel so easy. Why is it that he's so much more willing to put in the effort when he doesn't know me half as well as all of the other guys in my life do?

Maybe guys just have this disease where they don't know what they've got til it's gone. Oh wait.

He's the coolest.

2011-08-29T18:25:00.001-07:00

My nigga Tim Greeno, fresh out the pool. This boy is taking me to homecoming. Nbd.

It just eats away at me.

2011-08-29T18:11:00.001-07:00

You tucked my hair behind my ears, pressed your lips to my forehead and you told me you loved me, and that you always have. You squeezed my hand tightly as we ran home in the dark, jumped in the back of your truck and smiled as you whispered that you loved me. You placed your hat upon my head, pulled me close into the warmth of your body and you said that you loved me.

Now, never do I ever look back on those days and call you a liar, because I know at the time, you really meant it. But in the future, don't ever tell anyone that you love them, if you don't plan on sticking around.

Because that loss of feeling, could really kill a person.

2011-08-28T09:00:00.001-07:00

Well when I look at you, I just want you to be happy, always. No matter what it takes.

I let myself.

2011-08-28T00:04:00.001-07:00

Feel this way. I mean if you think about it. They only stepped all over me because I laid face down on the ground and let them do it. So I have no one to blame for how much this hurts, except myself really.

Because the way that people treat you, is a reflection of how you treat yourself.

I am a depressed ice skater in this dress.

2011-08-27T08:07:00.001-07:00

Sinking

2011-08-27T00:38:00.001-07:00

Feeling like your chest is made of lead, every breath is as slow as the clock's hands under the glare of the vulture eyes. Your mind becomes a place where thoughts and pre-conceived notions bow down to the endless possibilities of the crisp, cool night.

Yet I lay here still, going through our old messages and the conversations saved in my heart; I walk myself through the valley of us, and I refuse to cry, so instead I just let the tears escape me.

There's a little dust where my heart used to be, and the more and more I try to clean things up, the messier it becomes.

My chest feels lighter now, as if whatever used to weigh it down has suddenly stolen away into the night.

Boys are so confusing.

2011-08-25T19:13:00.001-07:00

One minute they're in love with you, then the next thing you know, you're sitting there trying to figure out what you did wrong. Oh and then of course they want you to come running back into their arms after all of that. Awesome.

You, who used to warm my heart, have left me feeling so cold and unwilling to let love be love, and unable to forget about everything else.

The greatest ideas come to me as a result of taco bell.

2011-08-23T21:52:00.001-07:00

Is it so wrong for me to want perfection?

2011-08-20T17:17:00.001-07:00

Yes. But here is my definition of perfection:

I want someone I can be comfortable and myself around, the kind of guy that can make me laugh and the kind of guy that makes an effort to do so. I want a real man whose momma raised him right, the kind of gentleman that holds doors open and would rather take care of people than have people take care of him. I want a boy who knows how to have fun but also knows exactly where he's going, and what he wants too.

2011-08-20T00:26:00.001-07:00

"The worst feeling is when someone makes you feel special, then suddenly leaves you hanging, and you have to act like you don't care at all."

I feel like this, and I'm afraid that I'll keep feeling like this. My heart feels permanently broken, and I try so hard to fix it. To smooth out its wrinkles and do the best that I can with what I have. But sometimes I really wonder, if it will ever be enough.

My outfit is too classy for words.

2011-08-17T16:29:00.001-07:00

Black and grey striped skirt with my favorite sweater vest and a bright blue bandeau. And of course, my Kid Cudi bracelet. Look good, feel good right? I keep telling myself that in the hopes that it might come true.

Today wasn't good, but it was better. I guess that's all we can really hope for, right?

I miss my cousins so freaking much, it's insane. I need them more than anything write now. More than my heart can bear.

2011-08-16T18:16:00.001-07:00

I hate the fact that I can't stop missing you.

Please don't give up on us.

2011-08-15T22:15:00.001-07:00

Don't get me wrong. The people in my family are doing good individually, but my family as a whole isn't doing so hot. My dad loves his new company and my mom kicks ass at her job. My brothers are learning and living and healthy, and that's what's important. I'm trying to stay positive and deal with everything but I mean, it's a lot harder to do when I feel like my parents are giving up on each other. Of course they say that they always care about my brothers and I, but if they promised each other the same thing, how are we supposed to believe them? I feel like I can't trust either of them with anything anymore, because the thing that I always depended upon them the most for, was the fact that they'd always be there for me, together. I thought my parents were a constant, not a variable. Everyone else goes in and out of my life, but not them. They're the exception to the rule. But I guess I thought wrong. Times like this, I wish I hadn't put all of my heart into something that was going to break.

I think about my parents getting divorced, tearing our family apart,and I say to myself that I would rather go to sleep and never wake up, than live like that.

2011-08-15T21:55:00.001-07:00

Dear God,
I don't ever have to fall in love, but if you could make my parents like each other again, I'd sure appreciate it.
Love always,
Anna

What I want.

2011-08-15T16:21:00.001-07:00

Is to crawl into my bed and cry. I hate feeling like this. I know it'll get better but it is so freaking hard to keep looking forward.

People should really learn to have some class. As a completely non-random, very specific example, there's this guy I know named Anthony that should grow up.

But what else is new, right..

All it takes, is one bad seed to motivate me. So what I'm going to do is make your jaw drop. If you thought I was the best, watch me get better. Because honey, you ain't seen nothing yet.

It's disappointing, really, when I think about how much I held back sophomore during year. It wasn't entirely because of you, but you made me more self conscious that anyone ever could. No more though, I can promise you that.

2011-08-13T10:46:00.001-07:00

This hurts a lot more than I thought it would.

2011-08-13T10:14:00.001-07:00

Damn. Would you just look at that leg. I can't believe I did that to myself, I'm an idiot and am not to be trusted with a razor. It's throbbing and I'm not really sure what I should do about it besides cover it up with band aids. How embarrassing.

Got home at 2:30am this morning and you know what, being around people like Noelle make me have a good time and be happy simply because they're happy. Actually I'm like that with a lot of people I care about. But Mariam is right, happiness cannot depend upon another person. Happiness comes from within, it's something you have to find for yourself.

And sweet Jesus do I struggle with that. It seems like it would be the easiest thing to do, to put your own happiness first. Instinctual, even. But I'm looking at my life and I'm thinking, what makes me happy?

Well, making other people happy. When my amazing friends are happy, when my family is in a good place, when everything's dandy at school. But that's not enough. I'm always happy when things are going good.

Things aren't going so good for me lately though. My parents can't seem to stand sitting at the same table with each other and they're talking about getting divorced. My mind is running back and forth between emotional and super focused, the way I have to be for school. My stomach is concaving because I have lost all taste for food. All of the things I used to do suddenly I feel like I can't anymore.

What is wrong with me?

2011-08-13T02:33:00.001-07:00

Alright sick, it's just that time of the month when my parents tell me they want to get a divorce.

Crumbling.

2011-08-12T15:31:00.001-07:00

There's something inside of me, weighing me down. Like pebbles, piled one by one onto the floor of my stomach. I feel heavy, walking across from class to class causes me to break into a sweat. My teachers talk to me, but the constant pounding in my head makes it hard for me to hear. All I can do is smile. I have so much weight inside of me, I don't know how I can keep going like this. I can't remember the last time I ate without throwing away my food or cutting it up into a million unrecognizable pieces that I would push around my plate until dinner was over. The sight of food, something I used to love, now makes me want to gag. It feels odd in my mouth as if it doesn't belong. If only all of this weight would dwindle away, I would be okay.

Get yo ass up bitch.

2011-08-11T23:59:00.001-07:00

That's what flashes across my screen when my phone alarm goes off at 6am. Isn't it just lovely?

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I'm pretty much ready to live it up this year. I don't care how hard I have to work so long as I can play just as hard. When I grow up I'm going to discover a massive alternative energy source that allows young scholars like myself to get the best of both worlds. It's really the only way to live.

Disregard females, acquire currency. That's how we do it in Soviet Russia.

Priorities, man.

2011-08-11T19:09:00.000-07:00

Breakups make me happy. Really, they're for the best. In the long run. My breakup with Anthony, sucked. But in the end it was for the best. My breakup with Nick didn't suck at all. We laughed while it was happening and we're back to being best of all bestfriends. There's really nothing to be sad about.. Our friendship means more than our high school relationship ever would. He loves me ♥ and that's all I need.

Hunger

2011-08-10T08:36:00.001-07:00

Is not enough of a motivation to get me out of bed at this hour. I feel weightless. Laying here, millions of thoughts are just floating away from me like bubbles on a summer day, until they pop. I let my mind wander and create a world out of nothing, where things don't abide by the limitations of this life. I'm relaxing.

I'm a little bit insane.

Everyday with you feels wonderful.

2011-08-09T08:57:00.001-07:00

Happy two months, I'm positively radiant because we're celebrating today even though two months isn't really a big deal, I guess it's kind of a big deal since I haven't seen you in three agonizingly long weeks. You make me so happy.

AN: Happy two months or something, the power lies within the one who cares the least so, it's whatever.
NF: Yeah I'm surprised you've been able to hold my attention for this long.. Congratulations I guess.
AN: I know me too you weirdo, the only thing significantly cool about me is that I can spell my name the same way forwards and backwards.
NF: The fact that you're the most beautiful and perfect girlfriend doesn't really matter compared to the name thing.
AN: Damn it, I love us.
NF: :)

Roseville, CA

2011-08-08T22:53:00.000-07:00

--☹☹☹

You know you're bestfriends with someone when.

2011-08-08T22:38:00.000-07:00

Their shopping habits start to become your own. Such as, spending all your money on lingerie. Yeah okay Mariam, I get it. I really do. I'm an addict for pretty, lacy things that are like secrets beneath my clothing, I wear them with a grin on my face out in public because I feel nice underneath. Every dime I earn goes to either my car or comfortable clothing that also happens to make me feel pretty thus I love it. That's the way it should be, right? It's sickening to me sometimes how we spend all our money trying to impress people we don't even like.

My body is aching all over from lack of sleep and malnourishment and pacing back and forth furiously while I attack this essay prompt. I haven't been able to eat or sleep properly for the last few days, this stress has become too much. But now that I'm D O N E with this summer homework I can go back to being a normal human being, at least for a few days before school starts up again. It's really embarrassing when you come back from summer vacation with pale skin from staying indoors studying and bags under your eyes like, are you a vampire or do you just not know how to relax?

To reward myself I purchased these.

Home is wherever I'm with you.

2011-08-08T20:45:00.001-07:00

The last thing I expected.

2011-08-08T17:52:00.001-07:00

Was for Ms. Schlaman to call me up and tell me to chill out. Now, people tell me all day, everyday, to "slow my roll" or to "calm down" and to "take it easy". But I normally just look those cats dead in the eyes and say, "Haha, naht."

However this was not the case today. Ms. Schlaman didn't call me to beg me to enroll in the internship program and drop my AP classes because of it; she called me because she's genuinely concerned for my well being as a student. I'm not sure if she has any idea how much that means to me. Because most of the time, what I represent is a repertoire of achievements, and that's it. But to this teacher, I'm.. Someone that she wants the best for. She believes in me 100%, she told me I didn't need half of the classes I was taking to get into a good college. I don't know, I've just never really had someone like her say something like that to me.

And on top of that she's going through an awful lot of trouble to pull all the right strings for me to be able to take a 2nd period internship teaching underprivileged children, when the program was only assigned to 4th period, because she said, "You know, you're kind of the ideal student that should be doing this internship. You'd be good at it and it'd be good for you. And you would really enjoy it." Can I just conclude this by saying that Ms. Schlaman is the best?

Dropped my bag of doritos.

2011-08-08T17:46:00.000-07:00

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Well you then can forget about it.

2011-08-06T18:48:00.001-07:00

I do believe I have just depleted every ounce of energy in my body. My god I am so freaking tired. Please let this workday come to an end.

On the bright side, my boy is driving home as we speak and he'll be home in time for our two months <3 like am I a complete cheeseball or what?

Now, to address my earlier posts. There's no freaking way I can snag Valedictorian from the likes of Kelly with that no-can-do attitude. Nope, none of that. From here on out I plan to act like a winner until I am one. Haha so I'll be acting for the rest of my days, it's whatever. But really though, it's about high time I got my head in the game.

Breathing

2011-08-06T07:56:00.001-07:00

But not for long. I really could not sleep well last night at all. I'm so stressed out about school, I seriously need to calm down because I'm having major anxiety even before it happens. What is happening?

I'm actually kind of glad they couldn't schedule me into the internship because I really don't know if I could handle it. I definitely want to do it next year though. For now I guess I'll just volunteer at the library as a computer tutor or something haha.

I think I'm going to drop Film &Lit for another science class or something, I don't know yet. My life is about to suck next week. But the challenge will be great I suppose, I just have to muster enough energy up. Or pep talk. Anything really.

I am not a cat lady.

2011-08-06T00:18:00.001-07:00

However this may be one of the most adorable animals I have ever encountered in my entire life. It nuzzled itself into the creases behind my knees as I was sitting down and I fell in love. It's Noelle's, of course, and the girls named her Cotton Candy. But I prefer CeCe. She doesn't like answering to the fairground food name.

I really like dogs much better than cats. Most of the time, anyway. Meow.

2011-08-04T23:31:00.001-07:00

On a scale of 1-10, how bad is it that I refuse to climb into my bed for fear of more school-related nightmares? I'm seriously sitting on the floor next to it.

Hey beautiful:)

2011-08-04T23:13:00.001-07:00

I love receiving those kinds of text messages from Nick Franze. He's adorable, in the kind of way that makes you want to wear pretty summer dresses and go outside with no makeup and laugh all the time. It's kind of hard to explain. Basically he makes me feel sunny.

He has stood by me every single second that I was sad or depressed and he pulled me up from out of the cold place I was in, and made me feel better. And I don't think it's just me, either. I'm convinced he just has that effect on people, the infectious care-free feeling.

But I'm really, really lucky that he's mine.

Serious bidness. Naht.

2011-08-04T00:46:00.001-07:00

It's been a really, really messed up week.

2011-08-04T00:23:00.001-07:00

Seven days of torture, seven days of bitter. But hey at least I've got my AP business squared away, right? Well except for my final draft of that damn essay.. Oh well, happy thoughts!

Sometimes we want things we can't have. A lot. Today I ate another Icing On the Cupcake even though I had a serious talk with myself the other night about not eating so much, especially junk. I don't know what's the matter with me. Well.

Lately I've been getting them. Again. This always happens to me. And by 'them' I mean, the dreams. Bad dreams about school starting. Oh dear. Every year, a week before school begins, I start getting these horrible nightmares about me going back to school and becoming a total failure. Like, everyone at school spent the whole summer studying and I come back looking like a total dip stick. Or something like that.

I know they're only dreams but still. Scares the bejeezus out of me. I always get super paranoid like, "Oh no Anna you've lost it, you're an idiot, how could anyone ever think you were smart?" And I'm not quite sure why I doubt myself so much. Because in my heart of hearts I know that the real reason why I do well in school, is because I work my ass off for it, just like everything else in my life. I was born second-best to my brother, who everyone adored just because he could smile.

I remember when he was in the third grade and I was in the first; he had gotten suspended from school and yet everyone still thought Nicholas Nguyen could do no wrong. He was the smartest, the funniest, the nicest, getting suspended had been his teacher's fault, not his. And I just couldn't compare.. I mean talk about sibling rivalry. Nick and I were as thick as thieves but when it came down to it, I was spending every night double-checking my worksheets, making sure I was perfect. I thought maybe being perfect was one thing I could do better than him.

And you know what, I was right. But I really wish it weren't that way. All my life I have worked and worked just so I could keep up with someone who doesn't even want his God-given talents. I spent half of my life trying to be better than him, then maybe Mom and Dad would look at me with adoring eyes the same way they looked at Nicholas.

Well, now I'm just happy to be me.

It's cool when you have nothing to lose.

2011-08-03T12:53:00.000-07:00

2011-08-03T12:49:00.000-07:00

When I can feel my bones, I know that I am alive.

When it's good, it's wonderful.

2011-08-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

So I'm doing my AP Language assignment and I keep having these epiphanies about life. I want to blog about them so bad but I can't do it until after I've turned in my essay or else it would be ruined. But the basic theme is, there is no such thing as Good and Bad. At least, not in the way that people write and talk about. It's limited to something that people feel. At first I thought George Orwell knew what was up. But the more and more I think about it, the more and more I agree with Steven Pinker, that words are imperfect and language is flawed DUH because words can't possibly describe how one might be feeling 100% of the time, that's just madness. Do you ever have a feeling like you don't know what you're feeling simply because there just isn't a word for it? I've said too much.

NF: How're you?
AN: Goooooooood:) you?
NF: Good, I wish you were here though, this sunset is beautiful.
AN: Aw why are you so freaking cute? Stop it.
NF: What if I will not?:)
AN: Well then, sir I'm afraid you leave me no choice but to kick your ass.
NF: Psht, sure if you call that falling into my arms:)
AN: Stop making me miss you...
NF: I want you, miss you and need you.

Alright, let's just take a quick second to: AWWW I love him.. Okey I'm good. He's so freaking cheesy but I find it so cute! I can't wait til he comes home, mehhh I can't concentrate. I never thought someone else could make me this happy. Which brings me to, my hero is down in the dumps at the moment and I'm being really hypocritical when I say that. But it's true. It's inexplicable though. All I can do is comfort him and tell him everything's gonna be alright and to focus on making himself happy. But the truth is, I can't explain love any better than he can. I don't know anything at all. I'm just really sorry Vic.

Why Am I

2011-08-02T21:09:00.000-07:00

So angry all the time? What's the point of that. I don't have a lot of time on this earth and I'm wasting it being angry. All the time! I don't stop to appreciate how much my boyfriend loves me, what amazing friends I have in my life, the fact that the prime of my life is just around the corner.

Why doesn't someone just slap some sense into me?

When Santa Claus asks me what I want for Christmas, I'm gonna spit this verse.

2011-07-29T23:54:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I've got my Mary Jane shoes to keep me sane when I'm extra blue. The whole world seems to get a little bit brighter, brighter she makes all these burdens feel a little bit lighter, lighter. Oh, Miss Mary Jane don't go hide away, come out to play. We're gonna go far someday. Reach heights that spacemen would never even dare. If we don't look back now, they'll never even know that we're scared. Call me Spider Man, 'cause while you out playing I'm sitting here waiting tryna save Miss Mary Jane while you all hating on me, the Daily Bugle ain't really crucial to this life, but Mary Jane here, now she's alright.

Everytime the moon shines.

2011-07-29T23:51:00.000-07:00

You. Are. Not. My. Brother.

2011-07-28T22:48:00.001-07:00

You're someone else entirely and I can't stand being in the same room as you. Get out of my house and bring my brother back where he belongs. I refuse to listen to anymore of your bullshit. When my brother gets back here there will be hell to pay.

Until then, please don't ask me any favors because I owe you none. I have absolutely no respect for a loser who sits on the computer for hours at a time and can't even get his life on track because he cripples himself with his excuses. My brother was the best kind of person, someone I could always talk to. He was a fantastic listener, the most caring and considerate person. But I need him right now and he's not here. And I'm allowed to be childish about it because I'm the little sister.

However, don't expect an ounce of kindness from me, you useless person. I'm done with you, common courtesy doesn't even apply to you at this point. Sorry, I don't appreciate strangers intruding upon my family. That's all. Also, I hope you know I'm typing this with my middle finger. It's whatever.

My brother is lost but he needs to come home now.

2011-07-28T09:59:00.000-07:00

Anna: Wow American history is bland. Every century is like 1 step forward, 2 steps back.

Nate: The sixteenth century is the worst of them all.

Anna: Oh you don't even know. Wait until you take Euro.

Nate: I hate history.

Anna: You know my life bro.

It's hard to forget about someone who has given you so much to remember.

2011-07-27T10:50:00.000-07:00

I remember the print of your blankets,

The bright blue folded beneath our soft tan

Bodies, we fit together like your mother's favorite new puzzle pieces.

I remember the way your strong hands

Knew every muscle, every curve, every weakness I

Possessed. Your hands in my hair, gently tucking the strands

Behind my ears which you loved. They're perfect,

You said to me. Just like the rest of you.

Then your eyes turned away and your body followed, your shoulder blades jutting out

Towards me, their sharpness still haunts me to this day.

I slid my hand over your chest, reaching out

For you, my fingers traced the words as

I whispered them, "I love you," and do you remember your reply?

I remember folding your blankets,

Reaching each corner to corner, how painful it was to see how

Perfectly its softness fit into the dusty space on your shelf. I bit my lip

Knowing that the next time, I would dust it off and spread

Its cotton blue onto the bed again, but it just wouldn't be the same.

My shoulders were shaking

As I fixed my hair, straightened my clothes back to normalcy, wiped away the

Smudges of black from the corners of my eyes.

You took my face in your hands, you could've asked me

Anything. You looked into my watery eyes, and do you remember what you said?

I remember the dark blue of your dad's car, parked in front of my house on a

Saturday night and wishing you had come to take me away.

I made up countless scenarios in my mind, maybe you were

Missing me or needed to talk to someone, something, anything

I could think of as an excuse.

Anything that would replace the reality that I knew was crumbling.

I unlocked my door for you,

You led me upstairs and laid on the quilt of my bed as if everything were

The same as always. I took a breath of relief and managed a smile, when I

Reached out for you, you shook your head. With the smallest gesture

A world between us grew and suddenly the warmth of my vest

Became a heaviness upon my shoulders, I looked away as your eyes

Began to water, "I just don't feel the same way about you as I used to."

And do you remember my reply?

I wake up every morning hoping that you remember, while I'm sitting here trying so hard to forget, because I've moved on. I love Nick so much. But I don't think we can ever really feel how much we love someone, because if we did, then it would kill us.

"Riddle me why this tastes like flowers..?"

2011-07-27T10:38:00.001-07:00

There's not much else to say.

2011-07-25T22:07:00.001-07:00

As I lay here dying,

I'm sorry I let it all get to my head,

That it had to come to this. I was

Always the one to push for better,

Bigger, brighter. I wanted something

More for us.

But the definition, in my eyes

Became something else entirely,

It was something that I wanted

Rather than something I needed.

Love belongs to desire, and desire,

My darling, is always cruel.

As I lay here dying,

I don't just want you. But I need you

Now.

Take me away with you, my love.

You picked me ♥

2011-07-25T16:03:00.000-07:00

Lesson from a falling star.

2011-07-24T15:30:00.001-07:00

If Amy Winehouse has taught me anything, it's that we're not invincible. She was young and glamorous just like the rest of us think we are. We have to let go of all the stupid things and just be thankful for feeling alive because we might not get the chance to feel like this ever again.

So I'm just going to take a few moments to stop being angry so I can relish the beauty of language.

2011-07-23T01:16:00.001-07:00

I will demonstrate the aforementioned by creating a fictional dialogue between my split personalities:

Anna #1: Well, not trying to sound like a total nerd or anything but--
Anna #2: Darling you do that effortlessly, it's astounding..
Anna #1: ........I was just going to say that I'm actually really enjoying this summer assignment. It's so--
Anna #3: Fun? Yeah, you're so pathetic you would consider overachieving summer homework to be fun.
Anna #4: Shut the hell up Anna, you're so freaking critical of yourself it's annoying.
Anna #3: Whatever, she has to stop being a whiny little bitch someday.
Anna #4: Oh yeah you would know all about that, the grave you're digging yourself is quite--
Anna #1: Profound. There's so much depth to language itself, and the prompt gives you so much room to--
Anna #3: Kill yourself? Because that's what you're doing.
Anna #2: You worry far too much doll, you're going to give yourself premature wrinkles.
Anna #3: And we just couldn't have that now, could we?
Anna #4: Why are you so mean? You seem so nice.
Anna #3: I'm not the one with the behavioral problems here. Anna needs to stop acting like a princess and stop acting like the whole world is against her. Grow up already.
Anna #2: There's nothing wrong with trying to enjoy her youth while it lasts!
Anna #1: I don't know what you want me to do about it.
Anna #3: Right well you can just let me know when you get your priorities in order and a game plan in mind.
Anna #4: Your standards are a bit high, don't you think?
Anna #1: No it's fine, Anna means well. Sometimes she just gets a little--
Anna #3: Wrapped up? Overwhelmed? Out of hand?
Anna #1: Confused and overly ambitious, a dreadful combination. Aren't we all?

2011-07-22T21:51:00.001-07:00

Screw Mary Jane, you know who I really need right now is Mariam Alamshahi. And she needs me too so. It's whatever. My throat is dry and I'm pissed off. Perfect.

She's my bestfriend goddamnit.

2011-07-22T21:45:00.001-07:00

Why won't anyone let me do what I want to do? Is it so bad of me to want to come to her aid when she's sick and borderline dying. She needs me so chill the eff out, it's not like I haven't been out later than this before.

Okay I know it sounds like I'm being over dramatic but I'm really not. I have my own car and I pay for my own gas so I really don't understand why it's such a big deal of me to want to visit her at night. It's not like I'm even doing anything bad! I'M GOING TO HAVE GIRL SNUGGLING TIME. God forbid.

And when I ever actually do something bad it's like. No one is around to care anyway. You people make it so much more difficult to be a good person, I hope you know that.

Wow really.

2011-07-21T23:45:00.001-07:00

I hate every freaking thing right now. I get irritated so easily, and the things that would usually make me happy have become quieted. I miss everyone but at the same time I want everyone to just leave me alone. Stop ordering me around and treating me like you don't have to ask me if it's okay, you just assume too much.

Food tastes bad to me now, I eat when I'm bored and couped up in the house all day long. I'm going to swim for days tomorrow and clear my head. My thoughts are like translucent clouds, you can see them clearly but they've got no structure whatsoever. Is someone throwing pebbles at my window?

I'm blogging when I should be focusing on all this homework. Lately I've been obsessively online shopping too, what a loser. I can't go anywhere, I'm confined to four thousand square feet of walls, not to mention the judgment that is weighing me down. I absolutely love summer but I need my own vacation too. I don't even know what I'm talking about, really.

I need my friend, we'll call her Mary Jane, to open up the doors of my mind and help me to see things as they really are rather than how I perceive them.. She makes me less stubborn and more understanding, accepting, chill. But I haven't seen my friend in a very long time. Is it very curious to crave what is bad for you?

Too exhausted for life right now.

Say hello to my little friend.

2011-07-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

2011-07-19T21:40:00.001-07:00

Oh lord almighty I have the craving but I can't give in. Life choices, please make me a better person. If not, well this sucks.

Silhouette

2011-07-19T11:10:00.001-07:00

Haven't you heard, absence makes the heart grow fonder?

2011-07-19T10:21:00.001-07:00

Yeah uh screw that, I just miss my man you guys. It really sucks. Everything I see freaking reminds me of him. This is not okay. I would venture to suggest that it is even unhealthy.

So I have resolved to drown myself in AP summer assignments and let nerdy Anna come back out to play. I was reading over the essays for Language yesterday and I got kind of excited, I just feel like I have so much to write about with such s broad prompt that I can't wait to finish my annotations on George Orwell so that I can write my composition. Yep, that's where it all starts.

As far as US History, notes won't take me more than a week to do and by that time it'll have been two weeks past and I can spend the last week being a completely lazy, idgaf-ing teenager again. Plus Nick will be home and yeah. It's whatever. Not tryna make myself sad again.

I'm definitely going to dust off my calculator and brush up on a bit of derivatives and anti-derivatives before Calculus. I feel like that's going to be a fun class for some reason. I don't know haha, math is the only subject that comes easily and naturally to me. I always goof off in that class.

I'm really nervous about this internship however. I really have no idea how it's going to work out.

Nicky bear, I want you to come home now so we can snuggle and you can tell me to calm down, and things will fall into place. Too selfish, I know.

Word of Advice

2011-07-16T18:28:00.001-07:00

"When I see my ex with someone else, I never get jealous because my mother always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate."

This made me laugh until my face hurt, but I mean. Come on. If someone once treated their ex like a "toy", then maybe they never should have been in a relationship, after all. Children play with toy after toy because they aren't mature; they have short attention spans and are easy to please. Which, I love that about children. However, if a person were to behave like that during the course of our would-be relationship, I'd look them dead in the eye and say, "Well darling you can gtfo."

Haha, at least I would now.

I've never felt so beautiful.

2011-07-16T00:33:00.001-07:00

Would you just look at that smug expression. His clothes smell so good, I want to breathe it in and die before something ruins its perfection. I'm going to miss him so much, it will hurt and I will cry and then laugh at how ridiculous I look/sound. We were shivering, and he pulled me closer and kissed me until the night melted away, and it became so late that we ran and ran and laughed until we were out of breath. I will relive tonight, for the rest of my life. ♥

This boy loves me.

2011-07-15T01:53:00.001-07:00

AN: What're you up to?
NF: Thinking of you. A lot. Hbu?
AN: Smiling because of you:)
NF: I'm crazy for you:) but why do I feel like such a pussy?
AN: Because I'm rubbing off on you?
NF: Well, I don't mind then.

Back in the day, when me and Franze used to tutor all the time after school, we'd get paid every month and then we'd have to go schedule our hours for the next month. On the calendars he always filled the boxes with his writing, "NF + AN" and I'll never forget how comfortable those letters looked with each other, even in their awkward penmanship and setting. They fit perfectly into this little place in my heart.

I love you, Nicholas Franze. One day when we're not together, I hope I love you still, because nothing compares to the feelings you've given me these past few months. The feeling of always having someone who would be there for you, drop everything and pick you up when you're crying and hysterical and laugh with you even when it's not that funny; it is nothing like I've ever felt before. You drove me home every single day even though I live seven miles away and you've only got 13 miles to the gallon in your truck. I know it's not much, but it's the little things, really. With you I am safe and sound and warm and perfect.

AN: I adore you and so much more, but the rest will have to be in person, so goodnight.
NF: Goodnight, beautiful.

Planet Lonely

2011-07-14T17:52:00.001-07:00

That's where I've been for the past two days. My brother takes my car and I'm left stranded at home. With a million things to do and absolutely no help. I'm confined to the insides of my house, where everything is quietly chaotic. The walls are thin and every sound echoes, I can hear the scratching of birds and their fluttering feathers against the window panes, the running water and the whirring sound of air conditioning. It doesn't seem like such a bad place to be trapped but the anger of this house is a constant.

Loudly

2011-07-13T15:05:00.001-07:00

She spoke, her words were like stomping footsteps on a staircase, a slammed door shut for everyone to hear. She wasn't bad but she was angry and she wanted to be noticed. She felt helpless and wronged and like everything was out of her control, just out of reach and it became so impossibly frustrating that she screamed. Her voice rose louder and louder until her ears felt like breaking and then finally, she quieted down and drifted into a dreamless sleep. No one had been around to hear. And when she awoke she made her bed and went downstairs and used her manners and did the dishes and everything seemed alright. She's a good girl, they would later say about her. But they didn't know the half of it.

My life:

2011-07-12T22:51:00.000-07:00

Ohyeah, one of those accidental pictures with a semi-profound quote in hipster fashion.

2011-07-12T21:02:00.001-07:00

Dear Emily Ratto,

2011-07-12T20:57:00.001-07:00

You probably get this a lot, but you are the definition of nice. And I'm not just saying that because everyone else does, I mean they really do, and if I were to ask any other junior what you were like, they would say to me that you are the sweetest, best kind of person alive.

It kind of sucks that I've never really had the chance to really, really talk to you before because you seem like the kind of amazing person that I could just talk to for hours. So when you write on my wall that I'm so nice and funny, it means the world, coming from you. Like hell yeah, this girl thinks I'm nice, maybe I'm not such a screwup after all. Haha:)

Is it weird that we've never hung out or anything, but I feel like I could trust you with my life? It might be a little bit weird. Maybe we should hang out just to make sure it's okay, haha. Okay, I'm going to end this letter now by saying that I really hope you're reading this and smiling; you make other people smile all the time and I aim to return the favor.

With love,
Anna

Food is all I can think about.

2011-07-12T12:44:00.001-07:00

asldgnrjeirufhnrbjfidfgurejdjwk

Well this just sucks.

2011-07-11T21:19:00.001-07:00

Mine and AJ's birthday party is hitting a few speedbumps. Awesome. I feel like giving in to the habits but I know I shouldn't. I can figure this out, but I'm really just at a loss for words right now.

Innocent

2011-07-11T10:55:00.001-07:00

Well. I've certainly changed since then. That curious little girl is still inside my heart, but it's time to wise up and start looking for bigger and better things. I need to learn from my mistakes and move past them before they swallow me whole. I didn't mean to hurt the ones I love but I did. Next time I'll be braver, I'll be my own savior.

Smoke and Mirrors

2011-07-10T10:27:00.000-07:00

what have i done. i let these things take over my life and i was out of control. my mind became like a pat of butter melting atop a stack of pancakes and time just escaped, i thought i was flying, but i was falling down into a deep, dark hole of irreparable damage to myself and the ones i love. how could i let this happen. even though you told me and told me to be careful, its a slippery slope and now i have to bring myself back up. two nights ago i ended up in the apartment of someone i barely knew and i was scared i wouldnt be able to find my way home. its time to come down now, back to planet earth but ive lost my way. im so lost.

2011-07-09T08:58:00.001-07:00

Thank you for being you, and loving me plain and simple. You're my best friend and when I'm with you all I can do is love life. So happy one month Nicky bear <3

2011-07-06T23:53:00.001-07:00

Do we keep secrets because we love someone and do we love someone because they keep ours?

Boy, you got my heartbeat runnin' away.

2011-07-06T07:50:00.000-07:00

uh oh. it's happening, and it's happening so fast and i thought i would know better, i thought it would hurt, hell i didn't even really believe it actually existed. you think because you're smart, that you can just figure everything out for yourself and then you'll be safe from harm's way. but that is not how it works. it hit me so fast i didn't even see it coming, two nights ago when you were kissing my hair and you reached for my hands that were covering my eyes. you wrapped me up in your arms and we just laid there like that for hours. and when you kissed my hands, so gently on each finger, each knuckle and traced my palms i knew that you adored me all along but you never said anything because you knew i wasn't ready, and i don't think you were, either. but now it's just me and you and one word that describes how we feel. i can't explain it, it's just one of those things.

We're gonna rule the word one day.

2011-07-05T16:02:00.000-07:00

Lauren Hayano, words do not do justice to my appreciation for you. I know you always have my back and you're so freaking supportive of me, we clicked instantly from the start and now we're closer than ever. I love you. And uh, we're getting crazy this Friday. 'Nuff said.

2011-07-04T01:31:00.001-07:00

"You're mine, remember that;)" - Nicholas Franze, you are not forgiven and you really need to stop saying things that make me want to fall in love with you.

Seventeen

2011-07-03T23:38:00.000-07:00

stellar. when the only person you really want to be with ignores you and forgets that its your birthday completely even though you dropped hints to him since yesterday. oh sick its actually my supposed boyfriend who says one thing and then does another. why do the ones who can make us the happiest end up making us feel the worst of all.

2011-07-02T11:14:00.001-07:00

Noah: I have the perfect birthday present for you.
Me: Is it a free car wash?
Noah: No, better.
Me: ....?
Noah: A pinata with Anthony's face on it!
Me: ROFL

He wants to erase me, oooh.

2011-07-02T00:04:00.000-07:00

Swaggeriffic

2011-07-01T11:08:00.000-07:00

Right before the Rihanna concert last night. Wearing everything just as Mee Mee requested. Whaaat. Uh, it was amazing and I have an entirely new level of respect for her. Getting home last night at 2am was not fun, however. And then waking up at 5am to go to the mother freaking police station in Rancho Cordova only to find out that I actually had to be at the CHP station, which. Is completely different. FML. So I missed my appointment and now I'm just gonna have to wait it out another couple weeks before I get Mickie's plates done. Awesome. Oh well, successful week overall. Happy July everyone=)

Soaring

2011-06-30T13:27:00.000-07:00

That's what I'm doing right this second. Thank you Lauren Hayano and Jon Cana for one magical night. Pictures later once Lauren gets home, I promise. What would I ever do without my asians? ♥♥♥

Bestfriend, don't ever leave me♥

2011-06-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

Everyone has that someone.

2011-06-28T21:43:00.000-07:00

I am just filled with content right now. I have the best friends, ever. I know I say that all the time, but only because it's true. Anyway. I think I have a little bit of a fever. Eff. Only ice cream will make it better. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy. Goodnight ♥

2011-06-27T17:03:00.001-07:00

Little Man Michael Dean I love you with all my heart and then some. Also I hope you're reading this.

2011-06-23T23:36:00.001-07:00

Wow. It's been exactly two months and I almost forgot. Two months ago, I was crying my eyes out over you, making myself sick. My heart was broken. And now look.

2011-06-23T20:35:00.001-07:00

Getting the mail can really make or break your day.

Leave out all the rest.

2011-06-23T20:15:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to feel like.

2011-06-22T22:28:00.000-07:00

It's time to hit the refresh button on life. Not necessarily an, "I quit" type statement. More of a, "I've just spent so much time trying so hard to do something that doesn't even matter, maybe I'm taking the wrong approach," sort of deal. Ya digg?

See, I've learned through countless trial and error experiences to never be afraid to admit when you're wrong. And being wrong is something I'm very familiar with. I'm not trying to change my entire personality, but I am trying to get beneath the surface of all the things I felt obligated to be, and finally just accept the person that I am.

Maybe my friends won't like it. Maybe my family won't approve. But the people that really matter, the ones that truly love me, will stick around while I work it out. I can't spend the rest of my life trying to please everybody. As long as I'm happy with myself, then the people who are worth it will be, too.

The person that I want to be is limitless. And the only person holding me back from doing so, is me. No, this isn't just a rant; it's a reflection. This is a promise to myself to start being fearless. Not crazy, not reckless, not a thrill-seeking teenager. I'm going to do whatever it takes to give myself as many open doors as possible. Being safe is nice and comfortable, but it's high time I started thinking like a winner.

2011-06-22T08:24:00.001-07:00

I woke up this morning and I just felt so freaking content. I love my friends so much. Special thanks to Mariam, Lucas and AJ. Pretty good night, I'd say.

Finally

2011-06-20T21:14:00.000-07:00

I have someone that doesn't care whether we're making out or just sitting in his truck eating cherry candy, so long as we're together. Who buries his nose in my hair and says that I smell like happiness, and he's glad simply because he loves the way it smells on me. Someone who presses my shoulders into the broadness of his chest until we're so close that we feel like one person, holds me like he never wants to let go, and then asks if he can keep me there.

2011-06-20T21:09:00.000-07:00

--thesliverflowers

Dear Anthony Gonsalves,

2011-06-20T16:19:00.000-07:00

I'm going to prelude this by saying that this is not out of the blue by any means, but an accumulation of frustration and I am letting it out, on the internet yes, because "sometimes in order to be selfless, you've got to be selfish." Ha. So now you're fully aware what this is about. All of your bullshit.

Don't you ever talk to anyone about anti-bullying or whatever it is you're trying to advocate during Blue Ribbon week again. You are the biggest hypocrite I have ever met in my entire goddamned life. The way that you're acting is pathetic and I am so sick of you.

You clearly have nothing better to do in your life than to sit next to Stevie while you're on facebook and simultaneously comment on people's statuses. Excuse me for even thinking that you possessed the capabilities to be mature because clearly you're lacking.

"No matter whether we're going out or if we're not even friends, you should know that I care about you as a person and you can always call me if you need to talk to someone. I will always be here for you."

Bull. Shit. Aren't you the one that says a person shouldn't say something if they don't mean it? Well take your own freaking advice for once, Anthony. I can't believe I ever trusted you with anything. I trusted you with E V E R Y T H I N G. And that was my mistake.

And you said that to me after we broke up. So don't even go there. You're hurt, I get it. You're bitter, I get it. You need to get away from me, I get it. You're an asshole, yeah well what else is new. I am so freaking glad that I have moved on, and you can't hurt me anymore.

"Even if it ends badly I would never ever talk bad about you, I'm not like that."

Well ain't that ironic. You are absolutely unbelievable, and I wanted to love you and every single one of your goddamn perfections and imperfections with all of my heart but you know what? It is impossible to feel good with someone who doesn't feel good about themselves. You are selfish and insecure and I cannot deal with you now anymore than I could handle you then. I was freaking clueless.

"My feelings towards you are quite the opposite of hate, I wish you the best of luck and I hope you end up happy, hopefully not at the expense of me."

Go to hell. I know you far too well, this is your way of saying eff you but in a way that you think makes you look like you've had the last laugh.

You broke up with me as a test. Throughout our entire relationship you tested me, and I would always fail except for those few times when I would surprise you and you would be happy with me for a little while. Because of those stupid tests, my levels of resentment for you have risen at an exponential rate. The end of our relationship was just another test to you, to see how much I really cared, to get a reaction out of me. But then your little test went awry, didn't it, when I didn't fight for us, when I didn't shed a tear in front of you, when I didn't get down on my knees and beg you to stay with me, when I didn't take you back.

Haha. Goodbye, Anthony.